The Narcissist, Divorce and Relationship Breakdown

“IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME, ME, ME!”

As divorce lawyers, we are instinctively drawn to telling our clients about the law – what it is, what it means, and how it applies to their case. But what we have to remember is that this is not all our clients want. Sometimes, they want us to listen to them.

Our clients aren’t just interested in who gets the house, the pension or the dog. Often, they’re experiencing trauma from their broken relationship and in order to advise them properly, fully and holistically, we need to properly understand what’s going on with them.

Time and again, when we listen to our clients, we hear the word narcissism. They’re telling us that their partners and spouses are narcissists, and they describe their narcissistic traits. Often, these traits will have had devastating consequences. Our clients will be vulnerable and that may have a huge impact on how they are able to deal with the divorce. If we’re not awake to that then we risk letting them down.

Types of narcissist

There are several types of narcissist, including the entitled one – “It’s mine!”, the addictive self-soother, the show-off and the bully. Typically, someone with a narcissistic personality disorder will be unable to empathise. They feel that they are special, and can only be understood by equally special people. They have an inflated sense of their own importance and need constant admiration. They will often brag a lot and insist on having the best of everything. They might also be highly critical of others but unable to accept criticism of themselves.

Being in a relationship with a narcissist

People in a relationship with a narcissist will report feeling undermined, that they are “treading on eggshells”, that they are unable to trust their own judgment. Any attempt to discuss these issues will often have been met with hostility or manipulation, with gaslighting being a favourite tool of their narcissistic partner. They will end up feeling like the problems are all their fault. Maybe they should even be grateful to their partner for putting up with them!

It can therefore be many years before someone will finally exit the relationship and seek help. Recovery is possible, but it will take time, and people are well advised to seek expert therapeutic help in these circumstances.

Supporting our clients

If that person then comes to us for advice about their divorce, they need to know that they are being heard and understood. We need to understand that they may not always be able to reach decisions quickly and decisively, because they are so used to being told what to think, and then criticised for thinking it. As lawyers, we need to support and guide them through the process, not just tell them what to do.

It was with all this in mind that we asked Jan Hawkins, a renowned psychotherapist, to talk to us in a live webinar event on 16 May. You can watch a recording of the webinar here. She told us what to look for in a narcissist, what may have drawn the couple together in the first place and how best to deal with a narcissist as an opponent.

We are running a series of webinar events, which will be designed to tackle a number of different and difficult issues, and we are hoping to bring you the next one within the next couple of months, when we will be talking about the power of relationship counselling. We will publicise the event nearer the time so that you can sign up for it if you’re interested. It will be free, and attendance will be completely anonymised. If you would like to go on to our mailing list to be advised of the next event, please email sandy.waters@parissmith.co.uk.

If the content of this blog resignates with you and you would like to speak to one of our team, please contact one of the Family team. To find out more about our Family law service please visit Family Law section of our website.

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